Post by Nicky Douché on Sept 10, 2024 12:45:00 GMT -5
Our adventure begins at the Ukrainian Culture Center in Los Angeles, California at a professional wrestling event for the local company Local Pro Wrestling on Sunday 8 September. The ruckus crowd of maybe seven hundred have been treated to six matches featuring local nobodies who are all working for crap money. Finally, the time has come for their main event attraction. “Perfect” by Logic begins to play and the small screen over the entrance lights up with a highlight video of some of the flashiest moves in all of professional wrestling. Moments later, a man -- nay, a god -- walks out from backstage and looks out at the crowd. The ring announcer -- we’ll call him Bryan Marzipan -- holds up his microphone.
Bryan Marzipan: Introducing first... weighing in at two hundred and twenty-six pounds... from Rockville, Maryland... he is a Man of Great Wealth... he is Earth's Mightiest Hero... he... is... Nicky Douché!
The place erupts with every emotion on the emotional spectrum of emotions. Nicky Douché pompously struts down three steps and takes a narrow path to the ring, where he swats off attempts from the unwashed masses to touch his perfect skin. Once he reaches the ring, he scoffs at the pitiful condition of the ring before walking up the homemade wooden steps. He wipes his custom boots that are worth more than anyone in the building makes in a week on the ring apron, and then steps between the ropes.
Before Marzipan can announce his opponent, Nicky tells him to take a hike. Marzipan is taken aback by this, likely because it was not in the script for Nicky to speak to the crowd. The fans in attendance boo him mercilessly, but there is still a section of them who idolize him. Unfortunately they are not as loud. Nicky basks in the disdain from the fans, soaking it all in before raising the microphone to speak.
Nicky Douché: You peasants can boo me all you want! I’m still getting paid more to be here than everyone in the back COMBINED! Why am I worth such a price? Because unlike all of the locals here at Local Pro Wrestling, I’m a certified DRAW ! That’s why All Action Wrestling signed me to a HUGE contract! The match you’re about to see will be quick, and only a glimpse at what I will do this week at AAW Friday Night Action! That’s when I make my AAW debut in the MAIN EVENT where I belong! The inevitable outcome of THAT match is that I become the inaugural AAW World Champion! While I’m at it, I might as well take ALL of the briefcases! That’ll show ‘em!
But hey, I’m not just a guy who talks a big game. I’m also a guy who BACKS it up! Time after time, I prove that I’m the very BEST this industry has to offer! No matter how many times in my career that I’ve PROVEN to you people that I’m the best, you still boo me! That’s fine. You should boo me. I’m a constant reminder of just how worthless you truly are!
They continue to boo him, and he remains unphased.
Nicky Douché: Winning the Champions’ Conquest Match on Friday instantly makes me the face of All Action Wrestling, and I can’t imagine a better face to skyrocket that company into mainstream success! From there, I will remain untouchable, unstoppable, and undeniable! Every one of my opponents this coming Friday thinks they stand a snowball’s chance in hell at winning this match… and that just proves how damn stupid they are! One by one, they will fail to reach the level of success that I am accustomed to! Just look at the field of so-called talent in this match! Out of the eight of us, I’m the only one I’ve ever heard of! AAW is so desperate for top-shelf talent that they let a guy like John Blade in this match!
YYYYYAAAAAYYYYY!!!!!
YYYYYAAAAAYYYYY!!!!!
YYYYYAAAAAYYYYY!!!!!
BOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
BOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Bryan Marzipan motions for him to wrap it up.
Nicky Douché: You listen to me, and you listen well! I will stand here with this microphone all night and you won’t do a damn thing about it! I’m the reason the lights in this dump are on! I’m the reason each and every one of you people woke up today! I gave you all hope for a better life because I have a better life than you can possibly imagine! Much like the local nobody I’m about to beat in this squared circle, everyone in AAW will be left broken, beaten, and humiliated at Friday Night Impact! Another one of the miniscule competitors I'm going to smash into oblivion is a guy called Anthony King.
YYYYYAAAAAYYYYY!!!!!
BOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
He laughs.
Nicky Douché: It is unbecoming of me to be punching down so far, but that's where he lives... so I have no choice. This gutter dweller doesn't deserve to be anywhere near a wrestling ring, let alone the AAW Champions' Conquest Match! It’s cool that he escaped a life of endless welfare checks by signing with AAW, but I can’t imagine his standing in the company will be so great once I embarrass him this Friday with my proficient technical knowledge of the sport of professional wrestling! I’ve got a higher wrestling IQ in my pinky than Anthony King has in his whole damn body!
BOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
BOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
YYYYYAAAAAYYYYY!!!!!
BOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
BOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
BOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
BOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
BOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
The only person in this match who means anything to this world... other than me, of course... is The Gentleman Wolf... The One-Man Wrecking Crew... Mac Bane!
YYYYYAAAAAYYYYY!!!!!
BOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
BOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
YYYYYAAAAAYYYYY!!!!!
Bryan Marzipan: And his opponent... weighing in at one hundred and eighty-seven pounds... from Silver Lake, California... he is the Resident Ace... Benny McFly!!
Benny McFly comes out to a huge pop. He makes his way to the ring, slapping hands with as many people as he can. Once he gets to the apron, he hopes up and waves his arms, looking out to the people. They cheer for him loudly as he turns his attention to the ring, where he goes to springboard into the ring but NO!! Douché attacks him!! McFly falls to the apron and nearly falls off of the ring, but Douché grabs ahold of him!! He pulls McFly’s head into the ring and sets him up for--
MARKET CRASHER!!!
~~~ DING DING DING ~~~
ONE!
TWO!!
THREE!!!
~~~ DING DING DING ~~~
Byan Marzipan: Here is your winner… he is Earth’s Mightiest--
Before he can finish, Douché snatches the microphone from his hand.
Nicky Douché: Here is your winner... DUH... and the soon-to-be inaugural All Action Wrestling World Champion... DUH... I am a Man of Great Wealth... I am the Last Action Hero... I am the Greatest Show on Earth... I am the Strongest of the Strong... I am the Braves of the Brave... I am the Most Virile Man in Professional Wrestling... I am Earth's Mightiest Hero... I... AM... NICKY... DOUCHĒ!!!
BOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
BOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
BOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
BOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
BOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
He tosses the microphone back to Marzipan and goes to the corner, climbing to the middle rope to pose for the fans in attendance, who really don’t like him, obviously. It gets so bad that a few of them start throwing trash at him, and soon, even more join in. It isn’t long before Douché leaves the ring, where security aids him to safety backstage. Once he’s there, he is met by his best friend Avery Bitterman who is dressed in a finer suit than anyone in the locker room could afford in a lifetime.
Bitterman pats Douché on the back, and hands him a water bottle. The two start the short walk to their private locker room.
Avery Bitterman: Hell of a match, Nick! Easily match of the night!
Nicky Douché: You actually watched the whole show?
Avery Bitterman: Of course not! I’m not going to soil my eyes with that filth!
They share a laugh and then enter the private locker room. As Douché gets cleaned up, Bitterman is focused on his cell phone.
Avery Bitterman: Okay, Nick. You’ve got a busy, busy week as we prepare for the All Action Wrestling debut on Friday. There’s TV spots, autograph signings, podcasts, and a seminar at the Local Pro Wrestling Academy.
Nicky Douché: Ugh! Why there?!
Avery Bitterman: I tried to warn you that it was a waste of time, but you have a soft spot in your heart for local nobodies trying to make it big.
Nicky Douché: Not really, Avery. I have a soft spot for cold hard cash. It’s just… ugh… that is going to be so boring. Sure, I’ve got a bottomless pit of knowledge to bestow upon them… but none of that benefits me. The money is good, so it’s okay, I guess. All in a day’s work as the soon-to-be AAW World Champion.
Avery Bitterman: I wouldn't go putting the cart before the horse just yet, Nick. This match is a tricky one to lock down.
Nicky Douché: How so?
Avery Bitterman: It will happen in phases. First, eight competitors will step into the ring, battling for supremacy. Once a wrestler secures a pin or submission, they will be placed in one of four separate holding boxes, waiting until only four competitors remain. The final four will then compete in a high-stakes Ladder Match, where four briefcases hang above the ring. Each briefcase contains a different outcome: the World Title, the Intercontinental Title, the Impact Championship, or an empty briefcase with a hidden opportunity.
Nicky Douché: So, once I get a briefcase, there's a twenty-five percent chance that it's empty?!
Avery Bitterman: Yup.
Nicky Douché: That's bogus!
Avery Bitterman: The big reveal doesn't happen until after the match, where the contents of each briefcase will be revealed on stage by AAW's owner, determining who walks away with gold and who earns a future title shot at their upcoming PPV.
Nicky Douché: That's outrageous! I'm the Greatest Show on Earth! They should just hand me the AAW World Title the moment I arrive at the building late on Friday!
Avery Bitterman: Yeah, about that. They want you at the building at--
Nicky Douché: I don't care what time they WANT me at the building! My call-time is when I decide to show up! These mere mortals are LUCKY that I am even gracing them with my presence! AAW brass thinks that jokes like John Blade and Misery are in the same class as me?! They’re not in the same grade! They’re not even in the same school! I’ve got a PhD in Profession Wrestling for gods’ sake! If they think throwing in a flippy-floppy failure like TJ Alexander will catch me off guard, they’ve got another thing coming! And don’t even get me started on Axel Shaw!
Long pause.
Nicky Douché: Because, honestly, who the HELL is he?! He’s a ghost! I’ve beaten everyone I’ve ever encountered, but I’ve never beaten a ghost before! So, thanks for this once-in-a-lifetime chance to beat a ghost, AAW!
He laughs.
Nicky Douché: You know, Avery… it does kind of feel good to provide this obvious Make a Wish for Anthony King. I don’t know what serious illness he has, but by the look of him… he’s in the end-stage of it… and he doesn’t have much longer. After I sign an autograph for him and whoop his ass, he can get back to the free clinic next to the pawn shop he sleeps behind.
He laughs.
Avery Bitterman: What about Kyra Davison?
Nicky Douché: What about her? She’s a dumb broad!
Avery Bitterman: True. What about Mac Bane?
Nicky Douché: He’s the only other one in this match worth a damn… a decade ago. I’m going to beat him so bad that he’ll wish it was 2014 when he could still see his feet.
They share a laugh.
Nicky Douché: Remember when we were kids, dreaming of being big time pro wrestlers?
Avery Bitterman: I sure do, Nick. I wanted to be the next Mac Bane. I damn sure wouldn't want to be the current Mac Bane though.
Nicky Douché: They always say you shouldn't meet your heroes because you'll be disappointed. I feel that's going to happen when I stand across from Mac Bane on Friday. He will fail to beat me, just like everyone else in this match.
Avery Bitterman: What is it you always tell people after you beat them?
Nicky Douché: You wish you were.
The end.